Like many of us do with family recipes, sometimes we inherit habits and behaviors without ever asking where they came from. #JustGeneticThings #JustEmilyThings
In one family legend, it was tradition to cut the ends off the holiday ham before placing it in the crock pot. One year, a granddaughter finally asked her grandma:
“Why do we cut the ends off the ham?”
… “To fit it in the crock pot.”
No one ever checked whether their modern crock pot was bigger than grandma’s. They simply did what had always been done.
It has come to my attention that the “not asking the question” issue continues. Why is it so hard to take our questions straight to the source? Why do we fear asking?
**Guilty as charged** Not to use a metaphor about ham, and then spiral and become a total ham, but let’s slice to the meat of the issue: avoidance … and address what I believe is at the core of it: ego.
Slicing Into Ego
Let’s make ~ego~ our ~food forethought~ today. I have one. You have one. We all have one. Speaking of things we all have: here’s a question for you:
Why do we let our ~ego~ lead us into temptation and/or lead us away from confrontation? Bonus: why do I sound like I’m reciting a Christian prayer?
Wait, I will answer my question instead of waiting for you to reply … because … well, patience. Which, now that I mention it, can be addressed in a different Shortstack.
I think we tend to think it’s easier to make up answers or speculate and spin (spiral-sliced ham?) stories in our favor. Therefore, I think it’s a coping strategy. If we avoid asking, we can avoid hurt. Or so we think.
Is ~ego~ really so powerful that we’d never stand up to it? Does EGO mean Executive Guilt Officer? Wouldn’t it feel better to drop the guilt and check the facts?
Haven’t we all felt relief when we finally asked our parents why they got divorced and realized it wasn’t our fault? Oh, that’s just me? GoOOOt it.
AnyyYYYway, no matter the reason for the avoidance, the moral of the story is the same: we must let go of ~ego~!!
I’ll go first. Below is a picture of me holding turkey as my brother holds ham. This was a gift from our new neighbors. Why so much leftover meat? Don’t ask. Just avoid. #JustEmilyThings
For years, I’ve been asking my (sometimes) egotistical self this question:
“How do I get out of my own way?”
And before I get that answer, I have to go back and ask:
“What am I holding on to?”
I can spin that answer a thousand ways from Sunday, but the core of the avoidance is always the same: I fear being exposed. Exposure is a term I prefer to keep only in my photography–not in my psychology. Yet here we are.
I inherit and hold onto old behaviors and habits because they’re familiar. And that’s easier than admitting I don’t always have answers, and I don’t want to hear truths.
Ham is an easy topic. Ham makes me bloated, to be honest. Let’s close the kitchen recipe book and move over to the office to power up a new metaphor: technology.
I bet there’s a little ~ego~ baked into your office behavior, too. I admit it is for me.
This Version Is No Longer Supported
I’ve been talking lately about “updating my (mental) files.” As someone who’s fundamentally terrified of software updates, I find it fascinating that I think I’m so cutting edge with updating my internal files.
What’s an internal file update? That’s a really good question. I’m glad you asked. It’s the willingness to ask hard questions, do hard work, and update your habits and behaviors accordingly—even if it leads to—or forces—change. I know, I know! Scary!!
I know your ~ego~ is screaming at me right now. And mine? It’s screaming back because it’s worried you’ll think I’m not credible enough to author a post on this topic.
Quick note: I’m drafting this post on my old computer. I’m worried this version of my Google Doc won’t refresh and hold any of these edits … wait, I just moved this image file using a USB flash drive (ask me if you’re unfamiliar with the antique device):
When I can finally let go of my ~ego,~ I get to work updating my mental files AND allow others to do theirs. That way, when we rendezvous, we can drop the assumption that people will show up exactly as they once were. That gives an opportunity to not only update—but also rewrite—our files.
New Bio, Who Dis?
One final metaphor—the opportunity to rewrite our files. Let’s start with a biography. Depending on my mood, most days I’m grateful I had an opportunity in 2020 to rewrite mine—in more ways than one (job loss, personality shifts, lifestyle changes, living conditions, etc. etc. etc.). Thanks @ traumatic brain injury.
I find myself rewriting my bio with more focus on the types of roles I want to have in the future, and less focus on the ones I had in the past. It’s fun to look forward more than backward, and it’s okay to cut out and delete files (habits, behaviors) on purpose.
Speaking of cuts, let’s head back to the kitchen and bring the ham with us.
As we head into the holiday season, can we stop avoiding and ask ourselves:
Are we still following outdated recipes?
Are we still carrying assumptions that don’t even fit in today’s crock pot?
Are there stories we never questioned just because no one else did?
Should we ask Emily more questions? (Yes.)
Is EMDR a good answer to all of the above questions? (Also yes.)
Credible or not, here’s what I know: avoidance delays the inevitable, whereas curiosity sets us free. In fact, You’re So Free You Could Choose Bondage.
So, let’s do it:
Ask the questions.
Update the files.
Get the story from the source.
And for the love of leftovers, check the size of your damn crock pot.
Just some literal ~food forethought.~
Now I’ll leave you to it. Go ham and slice into your own assumptions.
While your crock pot brain simmers … remember: you can “Just Set it And Forget It” … but only after you call your ancestors and update the recipe.
XOXO,
-me
already flipping through Thanksgiving recipes … and we’re still a week out from Halloween
P.S.—I’m now offering paid subscriptions to #JustEmilyThings! Why go paid?
Option A: Come for the birds, stay for the brains (and lessons from the Universe).
Option B (aka the official pitch**): Emily Nichols LLC (yep, you heard it here first!!!) tells stories that connect communities and move them forward by sharing insights rooted in science, nature, and spirit. We publish this reflective newsletter, offer paid content, and provide creative consulting services—all aligned with a mission of transformational and strategic storytelling.
**I’ll probably edit this 4734954743 more times, because #JustEmilyThings
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